The Infancy Lover's Suicide

The Infancy Lover's Suicide

by Tadami Yamada

　The summer clouds are faraway.
　The railroad run along a wooded low mountain. The train would run to and from about every two hours, and eighteen times a day.
　The steam locomotion would pull two coaches. However people couldn't see the steam locomotion in the next year. As the number of passengers had remarkably decrease, the work had become unprofitable. The railroad would give place to the bus. It is a fortune.
　At holiday many photographers would come and took the photos of the final gallant figure. Of course professional, amateur too. Presses, book publishers, fellow students, congenial spirits, lovers, and families.
　On the other side of the mountain, there is a low long bank where is grassed over. And on the bank, taro fields stretch far and wide. In the early morning, through a carriage window people could see the taro field shining as the morning dews are full on the heart shaped big leaves. The morning dews, as if stars which have dropped during the night, sparkled in an instant in the sunlight.

　On a white road in the midl of taro field, a couple of farmer who covered their cheeks with kerchiefs are passing to ride a cultivator pulling a bicycle cart. The husband's a cultivator and wife's a bicycle cart.
　The cultivator's silver handle glitters, and the cart's rims sprinkle splash of sunlight like a water wheel. Just there, a light's lump moves slowly.
　It is the height of summer. Cicadas chirp. But, as nothing obstructs the view, and, as the sky is so high, cicadas's chirps are not noisy at all. Every sounds are swallowed up toward the sky and the fields. Grasses smell strongly. And everything is easy. Everything is flickering like a mirage.

　There come the steam locomotion puffing black smoke through the flickering rural scenery.
　About one mile ahead, a boy and a girl are walking. They are the same age, nine year-old. The girl walks on the rail as if she walks shoulder to shoulder with the boy who is a little higher than herself. To open her arms as like walking on a balance beam, her left hand is supported with the boy's right hand.
　She sometimes tottered, and nearly took a fall step. Whenever she stepped out, her beautiful long hair were trembling gently with running over, and touched the boy's cheek. Then he would stand still, and would kiss her tender cheek. It is a promise between each.
　To be kissed being bashful now, the girl laughs to hold her hands over her mouth.
　She says, "Twenty times already!"

　Just then, the steam locomotion sounds its whistle.
　Two kids turn back with quick glance. And they look at each other, nod without saying anything.
　The boy's arms, which got boyish suntan and slender, pushes the girl away. It seemed merciless to her. She staggers and takes a few steps backward. The boy too takes a step backward opposite her. They become separated to put the railroad.
　The train comes along with dash.
　The engine driver who rest his bare arm on the window frame is watching the front. ----Children seeing off train. ----An usual scene.
　It is just time. The boy and girl run up to each other as if they reach out their arms to each other. Calling each name, on the railroad, in the sharp sounds of the whistle, two kids strongly embrace each other.-------

　　　　　* * * * *

　"We've just died, you know" the girl said.
　"Yes, we've got even death in our own hands," the boy said, " We've came along to the world where we would hanker for looking at! How nice adventurous trip this was! Last night, I went to bed, but I almost couldn't sleep all night."
　" Me too."
　" I imagined that the moment of my heart to stop, and the moment of my spine to clash, and something from next to next. I had ever made many experiments."
　"You did." the girl said.
　"To kill dragonflies, butterflies, earthworms, frogs, lizards, grasshoppers, snakes, and a little bird and a here that I caught them in the trap, I had observed death, the moment of dying, you know," the boy said, and went on, "I thought and imagined my turn to kill myself at last, so that I didn't sleep as I was in an expectation and an excitement. I thought I might become a crazy with pleasure. Since I didn't need to prepare a lunch with something fruit, candy and chocolate, I rather grew impatient. I was restless."
　The girl gave him a little smile.
　The boy said, "But now, I am cool. The expectation and the joy, there are now here. At last the day of the picnic, here we are now!"
　"It all happened in a moment," the girl said, "I didn't feel any pain at all."
　"That's right. It was what I speak to you, wasn't it?"
　"I saw golden arrows were shining brightly from the sky. And I thought, oh, this is just the light! I remembered a picture of the angel in a book which I saw in the library. After that, I want to become an angel," she said, and she said, "----Was it the sun? It was possible. I felt a dizzy with the light. But It got out soon. My eyes might be destroyed by the strong light. In front of my eyes became crimson---- ."
　"Well, I saw, too. However, in front of eyes to become crimson was because it was the occurrence what happened all blood to spurt out of our bodies. I saw the blazing fire fall. We vented our blood around there as if scattered a bucket of water, splendidly. Blood instantly changed flames. I felt my body becoming lighter, and at the same time I saw my one arm blew out with the spray of blood. I saw a piece of my flesh, which was teared off, was hanging from the arm like a dog's tongue. As if it followed my arm that your palm flew in the sky. Like trying to grasp something. Cramping. It seemed a mysterious flying flower, neither roots nor a stem. And I also clearly saw that my gut and other internal organs spurted out of my belly. It was like brutes to be hungry rushed out of a cage. For the sake of observing to move from life to death, I bored to become missing conscious with my teeth set. Heart to stop or lang to stop breathing, which of these would be the first? ----However these have stopped at the same time." the boy said.
　"I am a girl, indeed it is. I had fallen down faster than you. To tell the truth I had been flipped though. I wanted to look at your face. I couldn't almost make my body to move. ----We couldn't come to life, could us?"
　"We couldn't come to life now. We've died. ----Why? Do you regret your act?"
　"No, I don't."
　"Don't you feel sorry yourself, do you?"
　"I don't feel sorry at all."
　"Good." the boy said.
　"We are always together. That's right?" the girl said.
　"Exactly, of course. To divorce, or to suffer, these are things for living man. Because man never can become a clever while they are living. And, while admitting that they clasp others to their blest, they never can hug each soul. To suck and swallow other's soul, they never can make to mix each other's soul together." the boy said.
　"That's right. We now are only souls," the girl said, "Look! This is your soul I can touch. If you said to me to come into you, I'll instantly enter your soul."
　"Interesting! Let's try it!"
　"OK! Try it!"
　"Now, are you ready? By the knack rope skipping."
　"OK!"
　"Come in, my lady ----."
　"--------"
　"Yea! I am you, you are me! It is the complete! I am a man but a woman, a woman but a man, become compete together! The soul's math, 1+1=1! Wait, wait. Maybe, in this manner, 1+1, or 1+3, all answers are １. It comes to this that ----mmm---- it is very difficult."
　"--------"
　"Hey, you, get out now," the boy said.
　"How's it? My soul felt comfortable in your soul."
　"How do you explain that one plus two, and also one plus three, equals one?" the boy asked.
　"Everybody is good friend!" the girl said.
　"Yea, everybody is good friend, therefore it is impossible for living man."
　"You're quite right. Living man is such a fool," the girl said, "As beloved died, only to be crying. They should die in time."
　"Ha-ha, that's right. Everybody is a fool."
　"My the oldest sister had mere cried everyday after when her husband died. As he got a serious sick, she would say that she doesn't let him to die and if he die she'll also die. But, after her husband died, she married another man two years late. Having not any child was a lackey for her, and she should forget dead man as soon as possible, my mom said.----I hate my -sister and my mom." the girl said.
　"Betrayal is the most disgraceful, unallowable. Man would even betray self, even betray others, they wish self to live. In the end, they would be in pain. Man would think that those pains need for becoming grown-up. However it is not true. What a mean mind they are! As they are very attached to life of self, they have to think so. But those thinkings will become useless instantly, when the relative density incline toward their death. Why could they find the absoluteness in the limited world? At least they must not think from life to death, but think from death to life. However I know that man who betrayed self once never aim supremacy. No, they never can aim it. Soul that was betrayed by the owner, doesn't forget its memory. Soul get poisoned from narcotic at once. To be pure is to be not impure, you know. Be it ever so pure, there's no glory as it become dirty. Pure never be resuscitated. It is not that becomes clean by wash. Therefore, to keep to be pure need very strong power." the boy said.
　"The power with the child!" the girl said, "Maybe the power would be lost from us, if we would want to become grown-up and think ourselves to be long life."
　"Maybe." the boy said.
　"We are very glad to be children, you know," the girl said.
　"However, there is even a grown-up whom I can sanction in my various typical samples."
　"Oh! is that so? Such one?"
　"It is a lady of the general store, you know."
　"Of course I know her."
　" She lost her husband about three years ago, lived now with her three kids, you know. It was after two days her husband died. As she put her kids to sleep, she went to her bed too. Then She saw her husband standing at her feet. She sensed immediately the ghost although, but the ghost seemed as if coming back home from outdoor. So, she said, my darling I've got to bed earlier than you. Just then, the ghost lifted a coverlet and entered beside her. And the ghost disappeared at the dawn," the boy said, "I decided to sanction this lady and included her with my collections. Because I heard that she delightedly spoke what her husband's ghost came and embraced her. Do you sanction her doing?"
　"Yes, I do," the girl said, "But I think she might die too. Not because I have died with you."
　"Well, I know that we must have adhered to the principle." the boy said.
　"That's not mere theory,"the girl said.
　"Me too, I wouldn't talk words."
　"So do I. ----But I only want to say that we wouldn't ever become adults, and every child doesn't ever think to make self to live long. To live and to die both are the playing for the child. That's it. We are a bit exciting as just have died."
　"Yea, ----."
　"You said yea, and, what?." the girl asked.
　"The story of the general store's lady is still open to fancy," the boy said.
　"What' it?"
　"That is to say, whether they both were like us to do when her ghost husband embraced her."
　"What do you mean?"
　"Whether they were stark-naked."
　" Oh, no! They were grown-ups. Grow-ups wouldn't become naked when they hug each."
　"You think so. Me too, think so. The lady and her ghost husband were not in the naked."
　"Never."
　"We would be often playing in the naked in the fields because we are the children."
　"Grown-ups cannot get naked in a field."
　"Well, grown-up, it was such a flat."
　"I like running in the naked in a field," the girl said, "I felt comfortable. It was such a nice time. You know, the boy from another city school, the first grader, whom you said cute, ----."
　"Well, the boy is cute."
　"One day, we are in the naked, you and me, and the boy too, in a field. You and I inflated frogs' belly from their anus by a straw until explode. The boy blushed. And you said the boy to become a frog. The boy looked shy, but nodded, ----." the girl said.
　"I breathed into his anus. As he felt ticklish, moved, I couldn't easily do it." the boy said.
　"Well, so I controlled him. And me too, breathed into his mouth," the girl said, "Not good job for him like frogs, you know."
　"He fainted!"
　"Oh, grown-up is really flat," the girl said, "But to say about you, you have hair with your penis. If I couldn't find it, you'll become a grown-up."
　"Gee, at that time, I was amazed."
　"If I helped to pull it out, about this time, you ----."
　"No, don't say more that. ----I felt pain as you pulled it out. But I was patient with the pain. I thought it was a punishment, because I would unconsciously very soon an adult." the boy said.
　"Did you ever see the adult's penis?" the girl said.
　"Yes, I do. The things are dirty! Like their hearts. Hairy, black, big."
　"Oh I hate that too! I couldn't put up with that your lovely penis like a baby will become like that."
　"I know. Tears welled up in your eyes when you pulled my hair out. And you could hardly resist crying, you had my penis in your mouth."
　 "I suddenly wanted to eat it!"
　"I see. I wanted to eat too your chubby breast in several times. And you know, the other day, as your tooth came out in the school, you let me see it."
　"Well, I gave you it, don't you?"
　"Yes."
　"How's it?"
　"At the first I kept it with a wrapping paper. But I was afraid I should lose it. After fully weighing the matter, I swallowed it."
　"Gee! My teeth?"
　"Oh, yea. Even though hardly to swallow. But it's not problem because I took much water."
　"Hadn't you a stomachache?"
　"Well, I had a strange thing for about two days. ----I felt your teeth to come down in the gullet. I felt a little pain. ----After that I took care excrement during five days. But I couldn't find it out." the boy said.
　"How's my teeth?"
　"I guess it might completely melt in my stomach."
　"Although it was good that there was nothing wrong with you, if it was wrong, would you think how you'll explain the doctor about it?"
　"I don't know. I dare say I swallowed it because I kissed you strongly. Or, I might say a joke that to love is to eat. Ha-ha," the boy laughed.
　"Stupid! You were thought of a crazy. Ha-ha," the girl laughed too.
　"No problem. The story was not altogether false."
　"How about eating your penis?"
　"Over eating small taros!"
　"Ha-ha, ha-ha. As the doctor might operate on me for stomachache, he would find a little lovely penis in my stomach."
　"The doctor would turn pale, and he would think he nipped the bud of penis that was bring up well in your stomach. The bud of penis for becoming a man of you. He has to assume a moral obligation for your future. Then he has to kill himself."
　"Death release agony, don't it?"
　"That's right. It is certainly one of the effect of death. There is not any agony with the deceased. Being not there any agony in the world of death, because there is not death already in order to release agony in the world of death. Death comes never again."
　"Although people often say going to far long-live, but doesn't say going to far 'long-dying', you know, ha-ha."
　"Ah, my mom ought to die as soon as possible. Mom would speak with a sob in her voice that there is no end to my troubles with long-live," the boy said.
　"My mom too," the girl said.
　"Mom would rather die than cry. She must die after all. She lives for to die."
　"I think she is very much afraid that she'll die. I think that to go on to live like that is more dreadful."
　"I guessed it'll be fun to die. Pleasure of finding strange things. An adventure, you know. An exciting thing ever."
　"I wonder that man, who saw everything of the world of life, who lived enough to be long-lived, would wish to live yet. I guess they are not thirsty for knowledge. If man is immortal, man will be bored sooner or later. It can't see future at all."
　"Well. I hit solution of the problem on my mom. I let my mom die!"
　"How's it?"
　"We are invisible for living man, you know. It seemed it becomes to be visible sometimes. Anyway, that is that. I think I can easy do it. For example, when mom will go to do something to mountain, I'll follow her and push her back on the creek somewhere."
　"It's very nice idea!"
　"It's nice, isn't it? There is another way much more. We'll give a little act for man who is a coward to die, or who is too great to go on living. It will be of some help to man," the boy said.
　"We let them die by our power, you mean."
　"Yes. I'll make my mom to be happy. This is the true obedience to parents."
　"Me too, I'll make my school friends to be happy! Ken and Jun whom I loved in the second place of you," the girl said with joy.
　"Death of unknown origin will flood over there. People will tremble with fear, but will rather be full of life. The life becomes a dream, or an illusion. ----Oh, we'll be busy working from now!"

　　　　　* * * * *

　The repose of the country has changed suddenly.
　Passengers give screams. Photographers of presses and book publishers, and also many amateur run to the spot of the accident.
　The engine driver was dumfounded with surprise, turned pale. He has made up his mind to retire from the work with being officially commendation for his good driving the steam locomotion.
　The police car harries, and an ambulance too, sounding siren.

　The summer clouds are faraway. Those clouds, as if bunches of grapes to be fixed many monstrous breast, are strange.

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Copyright(c) 2012 Tadami Yamada. All Rights Reserved.